Colon Cleansing With Hitler
Feeling bloated, chunky, fatigued, constipated, and ashamed of my plus size body, I consulted Elizabeth King, a colon therapist in practice for over 30 years. She examined my eyes and my tongue. She informed me that I suffered from gall stones, a low functioning thyroid, strictures in my intestine and diverticulitis. She could even tell that my appendix had been removed! Elizabeth assured she could help me. With a series of colonics and a strict diet I would feel energetic, lighter and healthier.
For 21 days, I committed to a daily colonic in conjunction with a diet of juiced organic beets, kale, ginger and parsley, a foul tasting dark brownish-greenish liquid. Elizabeth told me these foods are considered alkaline. One of the reasons for illness and disease is that our western diets are too acidic. This concoction is to neutralize acid in my body. Nobody loves an acid test more than me.
“Up your nose with a rubber hose”, so goes the school yard insult. My new “diet” consisted of a rubber hose going in an altogether different orifice.
Every day I went to Elizabeth’s office, for a daily weigh in, and then I would lie for 30 minutes with rubber tubing inserted in my anus, water would hasten through the tube and gravity emptied years of debris and detritus into a basin below me. While I normally reserve my ass for exit only purposes, I stammer this was a special circumstance.
There was a privacy curtain separating me from Elizabeth, she fielded phone calls and did paper work, while years of impacted fecal matter noisily vacated my body. There is no way to describe the embarrassment that comes from having a stranger casually balance her check book while less than 2 feet away, your supine body is emitting gaseous fumes and noise. Lots of noise.
After each colonic, Elizabeth would don yellow rubber gloves and wield a slotted plastic spoon. She insisted that we sift through and identify the toxins that had bid my body farewell.
She lifted something black and unsavory from the basin. “Smell that!” She ordered.
“Um, no thanks.” I mumbled.
“Yes, you must!” She barked as she thrust the spoon under my nose.
The scent sent me into a spasm of dry heaves.
Each day, Elizabeth would sift through the refuse and point out the betrayal of my body. She pointed out liver stones, gall stones, polyps, scar tissue and cysts. Once I got beyond the stench, it was actually quite interesting.
The best part, happed about 1 week into my colon cleanse diet, I had lost 10lbs, and my skin looked like a child’s. Absolutely pore less and radiant. Sun damage on my arms and chest disappeared completely. And since a machine was mechanically removing waste from my body on a daily basis, I never had to use the bathroom!
Elizabeth warned me that if I ever felt like I might topple off the diet and eat something I wasn’t supposed to, I should call her and she would be there to provide support.
On day 13, sick of my inequitable “food” choices, I found myself in the kitchen at 2am, shoving brownies and other fair sugary treats in my mouth, chewing, tasting and spitting out the offending food into the trash. Behavior that smacks of desperation and an eating disorder. I phoned her the next day, hoping for kind words and loving support.
“Hello? Elizabeth? I’m having a hard time drinking only beets and kale. I am going out of my mind with hunger! I feel so drained and have no energy. I feel like I just want to die!” (Dramatic, but its how I felt)
“Bonnie, what is wrong with you? You are a dilapidated human being. You are a discredit to women everywhere. I have clients that work full time and raise gigantic families. They have no problem doing this. You are a housewife, you get to just lie around and do what you want. What? You’re just going to be a failure? If you eat anything, don’t bother to reach back.”
Not exactly the tea and sympathy I was hoping for. But, it did renew my commitment. I didn’t want to be a failure. I soldiered on through the stout 3 weeks. I lost a total of 27lbs. I kept it off for a year, but have since gained it back. Tomorrow I will call Elizabeth and go buy some beets.
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Filed under Internal Cleansing Diet by on Jan 24th, 2012. 